


Darling, I'm with you

by willssoulace



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Flashbacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-06-22 09:41:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19664821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/willssoulace/pseuds/willssoulace
Summary: Post s6.Clarke is back in her own body. After all she's been through, she can't seem to sleep without having to face her demons all over again.





	Darling, I'm with you

_We fell asleep to escape from the sun_  
_And we woke up to the sound of a storm_ _outside_

I'm with you, Vance joy

It still didn't feel real.  
Laying on one of the ship's cabin, Clarke kept staring at the ceiling.  
She knew she was exhausted, Josephine had refused to sleep for a long time, but she just couldn't manage to fall asleep.  
Sleeping should have been a release, a solace. But to her, it was a cage.

She had been forced to face her fears, her sins, and now that she had seen them all, now that she had acknowledged her deepest demons, ones that she had kept away from her own mind for too long, she was just too tired of monsters.  
She knew she would have seen them all again, once she had closed her eyes.

Panic flawed inside her. She touched her chest with one hand, trying to control her breathing.

 _In with the nose, out with mouth_.

It had been her mantra for a long time, now. She knew her friends, or the ones that she could once call friends, thought she was cold and insensitive, always ready to do what others couldn't.  
She knew she had grown the ability to keep her emotions aside, to rely just on rationality, and it was everything but easy.

As much as she hated it, Clarke was still a person. She had feelings, emotions, she had fears and hope and dreams, sometimes. She felt.  
More than she wanted to.  
She tried to deny some emotions to herself. But she just couldn't.

And in that moment, alone on her bed, trying to gain control on her brain, she just felt helpless.  
A few tears escaped her eyes.

She had been lonely for most of her life. Even on the Ark, besides her parents, the only person who had loved her and accepted her for who she was, with all of her flaws, was Wells. And she had lost him, twice.

Clarke had always known that the only person she could rely on was herself, but she wasn't able to trust her own mind lately. Or even worse, she was scared of it. What could she do? There was no escape. She couldn't run away, although she wanted to.  
Wherever she went, her demons would have followed. It had always been like that. But this time, she was just too tired to fight them.

She thought of Madi.  
She had failed her, too.  
She had promised to protect her, to give her the life she couldn't have, to make her happy.  
But what she actually did was throwing her to war, giving her the responsibilities and fears that a child should never have.  
She had ruined her.  
_Wherever you go, death follows_.

Some other tears had fallen from her eyes.  
Even though she was back in her own body, Clarke felt lost.  
She knew she had chosen to bare all this pain. I bare it, so they don't have to.  
But what was the point?  
She thought of her friends, of their surprised and relieved faces when she came back.  
She thought of Miller, Emori, even Echo, slightly smiling. She thought of Murphy's guilty face, his eyes staring at her with a mixture of challenge and regret.  
She thought of Raven's watery eyes, her mouth still spitting out bitter words, but this time the insults had come out trembling.  
Clarke would have thought a hint of affection was in them, but she didn't dare to hope.

And then she thought of Bellamy.  
He was there was she returned.  
The first thing she had seen when she had opened her eyes, when she had realized she could see and hear and touch things again, was his worried face.  
His eyes full of insecurity, his mouth trembling with fear.  
What was he afraid of? That she was never coming back?  
Without even realizing she was doing it, Clarke had touched Bellamy's cheek, just to make sure he was really there.

"Bell" she had whispered helplessly.  
His name on her mouth sounded like a cry for help. She was reaching to him, like she was drowning in deep waters.

It was like that little word had given him some sort of impulse, because he inmediately locked her in his arms.  
The feeling was so relieving, that Clarke started sobbing. All the fear she had kept away to save herself washed over her, and she couldn't control it anymore.  
With every sob, Bellamy's caresses on her hair felt lighter, more delicate than the previous ones.  
It had reminded her of six years ago, when he had comforted her right before the end of the world.  
This time was different, though, because he was crying too.  
She could feel the wetness of his cheeks against the back of her neck.  
The only sound she could hear, after her desperate sobs, was her name on Bellamy's mouth.  
"Clarke" he had repeated over and over again, each time more consciously than the other, as he was realizing, like her, that she was really there.

She closed her eyes, still trying to gain control, and she thought of Bellamy saying her name, again and again.  
She thought of his soft lips against her shoulder, of his hands on her hair.  
Right before she fell asleep, she could have sworn she heard the sound of his heartbeat against hers, like he was lying next to her.

***

She woke up gasping, in desperate need for air. She felt her cheeks wet, she must have cried in her sleep. Clarke brought a hand to her neck. Her throat was aching, it burnt like she had been screaming for hours.

She knew what she would have seen in her dreams, there was no way to escape them. The images were so vivid in her head that she wondered if she was still trapped in her mind.  
It was hard to understand what was real.  
She closed her eyes, trying to gain some control.  
She had dreamt of Madi, her body covered in blood and her eyes a storm of rage, strong enough to destroy a planet.  
She had seen her with a sword, her grip so stable and her posture so confident that she looked like she was meant to war all along. That last part was probably true, Clarke thought.  
She had tried to avoid that, but she had failed.  
And her failure had ruined Madi's life. She had lost her innocence, her joy, her curiosity. How could have she done that to her own daughter?  
In her dreams, Madi looked right at her, spitting bitter words to her face.

"Wanheda" she had called her. _Commander of death._  
That word alone was enough to send a chill down her spine. Every time she had heard that word, it was full of disgust, of despise.  
But Madi had told it with a toneless voice, like the word didn't scare her.

"I knew you would have come for me." she kept saying.  
Clarke had took a step towards her, but Madi still looked so far away from her.  
"Madi, I would never hurt you" she had said in her dream.  
But her daughter just looked at her, a grin on her face, and told the words she would have never wanted to hear from her.

"Did you expect to protect me from the world, Clarke? Did you really think you could do that?" she laughed bitterly, and Clarke felt like somebody was stabbing her in the chest.  
"You could never have given me the life I deserve, Wanheda. I was doomed the moment you found me in the woods."

A few tears escaped Clarke's eyes. She knew it had been just a nightmare, but deep down she thought those words were true.  
What had she done?  
How could have she expected to love Madi without causing her any harm?

She started sobbing loudly, incapable to control herself. Not that she cared about anyone hearing her, anyway.  
The sound of her cry was loud in the silence of the night. With every sob, a small part of her crumbled.

The door of the cabin cracked open.  
Instinctively, Clarke started to clean her face from the tears. She stopped when she saw who was standing right in front of her.

In the weak light of the room, Bellamy looked more tired than ever. His face was worryingly pale.  
He walked to her slowly, as if scared she would have pushed him away.  
She felt her heart tighten up in her chest.  
After all those years, he still didn't know how much he mattered to her.

She helplessly watched him sit on the bed beside her, and a small sigh left her mouth.  
She smiled tiredly when she said "I'm sorry for the noise. I didn't mean to bother anyone"

Bellamy stared at her, scrutinizing her face as if he was in front of a mystery nobody had ever solved.  
He took her hand in his, holding it tight.

"Don't worry, princess." he whispered "you didn't wake anyone. I barely heard you."

A small smile brightened his face.  
Relief washed over her. She was happy he was there with her, trying to make her smile.  
The burden in her chest slightly lightened.  
But it still hurt.

Bellamy must have noticed the resigned look on her face, cause he moved closer to her.

"Clarke" he said, his voice slightly trembling "it was just a dream".

A little laugh escaped her mouth.  
"Sometimes, I wish it was all a dream. I wish anything I saw was real." she took a small pause after this last sentence "I wish I wasn't real".

She closed her eyes, her body still aching for sleep. How long had she been asleep? A few hours?

"What time is it?" she weakly asked, her eyes still closed.

"The last time I checked, it was 4 a.m"

Although he had said it with a humorous voice, she could feel worry wash over him.  
His eyes were still studying her.  
He was probably afraid she could have started crying again. Honestly, she was afraid, too.  
Bellamy had already had problems by trying to rescue her. She didn't want to make things worse for him.

"Why were you awake so early? Couldn't sleep?" she tried to change the focus from herself.

"I couldn't." she heard him answer "I had to make sure you were fine"

If the words weren't enough to make her heart lose a beat, his serious tone certainly was.  
She opened her eyes, looking at him.

"You mean" she started, not sure what to say "you were behind my door all the time?"

Her surprised tone made him laugh, his cheeks assuming a timid shade of red.  
Clarke couldn't help but analyze him.  
She had always found him beautiful, like an ancient creature of the earth, some of those mythological figures he seemed to love so much.  
She had always been scared to draw him, afraid some of his beauty would have gone away because of her hands.  
In that moment, she wished she had her pencils.

"I didn't have anything better to do" he merely answered.

They stayed like that for a while.  
Side by side on Clarke's bad, their hands still locked together.  
Each of them looking for words to say, but neither of them daring to break the silence that seemed to create a calm atmosphere around them.

"It was Madi" Clarke heard herself say. The words escaping her mouth without her consent.  
She didn't have to explain what she meant, because Bellamy already had an aware look on his face.  
She took a breath, and started telling him about her nightmare.  
Repeating the words she had heard Madi say was painful, but somehow she managed to let everything out without breaking down into an ugly cry.  
Maybe it was because of her need to talk with somebody.  
Or, maybe, it was Bellamy's firm and steady grip on her hand, that somehow kept her from fading away.  
When she finished talking, she just stared blankly in front of her, not expecting an answer.  
Bellamy's words came from the distance.

"I'm sorry" he said, his voice breaking on the last word. "I should have been there. For you. For Madi. I'm sorry, I let you down."

A small tear escaped his eyes.  
Every word he had spoke were soaked with guilt. _Typical Bellamy_ , Clarke thought, _always beating himself for not doing enough for the people he loved._  
An electrifying feeling crept through her at the thought she belonged to that category in Bellamy's life.  
She smiled at him, even though he wasn't facing her anymore.  
She hadn't thought what losing her meant to Bellamy. A part of her hoped he would come rescue her from her personal hell, but she had pushed that hope away in order to save herself. She knew it was unfair to expect him to give up to his friends, his family's safety in order to save her life. He had already lost her once and managed to survive anyway.  
But even though she kept repeating those words to herself, she still waited for him to take her away from that place, to save her one more time.  
And that little, weak, almost invisible beam of hope was enough to keep her alive.

"Bell" she called for him, like she had done many times before.  
She wished she was good with words. She wished she could let her feelings out easily, like he did.  
There were just too many things to be told.  
After all they had been through, after all the loss and the pain, she thought he deserved to know.  
But instead of revealing feelings she had tried to keep away from him, and from herself, for so long, she asked "Will you sleep with me?"

The question lingered in the silence for some minutes.  
The surprise in his face made her blush a little. Before she could deny her offer, he nodded, his smile still slightly open.  
She laid down on her bed, its softness so comforting she let out a sight without wanting.  
She felt exhausted. Her tired eyes were slowly leading her to sleep.  
Before going back to the darkness, she saw Bellamy smiling reassuringly at her. His eyes bright in the weak light.  
Their bodies separated only by their hands, still locked together.  
A warm feeling washed over her, and this time, she felt more brave when she faced her mind.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone!  
> Hope you enjoyed this little thing I wrote. To be honest, I'm kinda proud of it since I haven't written anything in so long.  
> I apologize for the mistakes I may have made in English, but it isn't my first language so I still struggle sometimes.  
> Anyway, I wrote this fic for the bellarkebingo, you can also find it on Tumblr, I'm @willssoulace.  
> Let me know what you think.  
> Lots of love,  
> Chiara.


End file.
